Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
