I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
