I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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