I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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