nut hugger
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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