conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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