i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
