i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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