I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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