K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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