We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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