Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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