Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
