Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
