I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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