it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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