Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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