Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
