You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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