seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
