So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
