Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
