She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
