It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
