i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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