1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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