every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
