:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
