I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
