I faked an abortion last night.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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