If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize