90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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