Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
