at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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