honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
