I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
