What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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