I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize