last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
