I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
