I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
