If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
