I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
