No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
