she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
