Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
