shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He did a backflip because drugs
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
