I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
