I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
