Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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