As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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