if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
