Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
