From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You ruined the universe
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
