my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
