He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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