Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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