I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
