did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
